Thursday, February 28, 2008

Me, Myself and I (Barriers)

Writing out in the deep end where my toes no longer feel the gritty sand on the bottom. The very tips of them occasionally catching a tenuous grasp before the waves of life come crashing over my head. At times riding the waves high in the thrill of just writing. Other moments allowing the waves to suck me under the surf... to wallow down with the dark things...the Not Good Enoughs.

I could blame the dog, who is small and inclined to chew everything from my favorite pair of sandals to laptop power cords. The dog, who needs to be taken out every half hour, only to return back inside and use my hardwood floor as a toilet. The dog, who reminds me of the toddler phase and why I'm done having babies.

Or maybe the munchkins, there are four. That's a good enough excuse, right? The munchkins with Science Fair projects times two, one of which involves the growth of mold in baby food jars on my bathroom counter. The Ethiopia project which required paper mache mask making and Ethiopian hut making out of pine straw with the help of a glue gun. After which my fingertips looked like someone had held them to a hot stove.

There is the housework. The laundry pile that never seems to get smaller. The sink that magically refills with dishes. The dentist. The doctor. The butcher. The baker. The birthday cake maker. Ok, I'm exaggerating just a bit, but you get the point.

But the truth is, it's really none of these. But rather me. My own barrier to my own success. To often frustrated, pulling back from it. Half heartedly writing, pursuing markets, working on editing the book (which really might kill me). So scared to fail, more scared to succeed.

But somehow despite myself, I can't stay away. I have to climb back up the cliff, sometimes slowly, sometimes sprinting to the very tip top. Plunging back in, feet first, right into the deep end. Where it's quite possible I might drown but it's also very likely I'll float right to the top.

8 comments:

morningglory123 said...

Followed you here and read your post. Loved it and agree with every word.... been staring at my own book for over a year. Just thinking about it makes me tired.

Glo

Serenity Now! said...

Hey, to swim across the ocean you have to dive, surface, dive, surface... if you tried to jump in and swim the whole thing at once you could never do it...

Anonymous said...

Just coming to affirm what you said on Xanga. . .You KNOW I love you, Girl. Erika :)

clichedguy said...

same here. i started one book back in 97. nowhere near done. i keep saying im trying to get more life experience and maybe i am. dunno but i havent written on it in a year.

madhousewife said...

For a long time I didn't write because it wasn't coming easy anymore. Everything was so tortured. But when I give myself permission to write crap, I write more. And amongst the crap is occasionally something good.

Barrie said...

Ah, you're a typical writer....

Hang in there!

An80sMetalWoman said...

You can never fail at writing. It comes from the heart and that makes it right.

Elena said...

This is such a timely blog for me right now. I've been feeling absolutly that the number one barrier to my writing is....ME. That's it. My fear of failure, fear of success. Fear that I'll let everyone down. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this barrier. We can do it. One word at a time...