This morning in my regular blog-read-a-thon that occurs when I'm supposed to be working... I came across Mir's post which included a list of things she is doing or needs to do.... I found these gems:
17) Realize I have nothing to wear.
17a) Stomp around the house complaining about my big ass.
17b) Eat some cookies while wallowing.
17c) Completely fail to see the relationship between 17a and 17b.
I laughed out loud (not a great thing when you are actually supposed to be analyzing sales numbers for Q4) because it is so, so me and so, so true to life.
What is it about this time of year? I have always felt all high-and-mighty and eschewed those silly January diets... oh-Ho, not I, says I... I shall not be like the masses and I shall not commit myself to a futile diet that will end before Jan 15th with me buying a larger size pant and justifying that I've just put on a little "winter weight".
But now I'm slowly and constantly expanding and I find myself wanting to do SOMETHING. But at the same time I want to emphatically state "But it's not because it's that time of YEAR or anythying... no, no, this is just the right time for ME!"
Yeah, me and the rest of the world. I am, of course, TOTALLY AN ISLAND.
Really now, I'm stuck. Yesterday I went to meet with this personal trainer at a gym that's near to work and to which I happen to be a member.
The deal? $2000 for three months of training, three times a week.
I totally wanted to do it. Room on credit card = money, right? right?
Not so, says my husband. (Dammit!)
He asks why... I say I need a) accountability and b) a concrete plan.
He says a) we can make a plan.
I say a) how do we know it's the RIGHT PLAN? (Have you seen how many possible diet/eating plans/exercise plans/programs/lifestyle changes etc... there are??)
Him: Just eat better.
Me: Eat better? I don't eat, that's the problem. I hardly eat, it will be 2 pm and I've had coffee and more coffee. By the time I put food in my face in the afternoon my body is all "calories! food! energy! Quick! Store that in her ass because she may not feed us again for a long while!"
Him: Well you have these cookbooks here...
Me: Do they make the food too?
Him: No, but they have good recipies.
Me: Read one out and tell me if we have ANY of those in the house. Can you make a low cal dinner out of a box of hamburger stroganof helper with cheese and some limp celery?
Him: Well look, chicken fajitas, you could have that but just without the cheese and sour cream.
Me: ?? (I might as well chew carpet)
It all boils down to this. I'm trying to explain that I am STINKING BUSY and that cooking healthy food and finding time to shop for snooty ingredients to make food taste good is A LOT OF WORK.
I've tried scheduling work outs but (again with the abc's) a) working out early does not work when you've been up on deadline until 11 pm, b) when no one is holding me accountable, I don't go, c) there is simply NO TIME to work out between when I get home to pick up E from the babysitters to when I pick up M. from school to when I get home again to when I start on dinner to when I put the kids to bed... because between all those tasks I'm also trying to write. (8 articles this month plus a 75K book, half of which is due Feb 29th).
I've concluded that lunch hour at work is what works best. I've tried to find a work out buddy, no dice. I've tried to ask around about HOW to work out (do I eat before? how about after? how much cardio? how often? .... the list goes on) and if I ask three people I get four opinions.
It boils down to this. I have to PAY SOMEONE TO CARE ABOUT HOW FAT I GET.
Husband says he cares.
But he says I'm making excuses.
I explain that these are not excuses... that I am laying my concerns out because he said that a) I couldn't hire a personal trainer and b) he said "we" could do it so he needs to know what I'm up against.
I end up in tears at the end of this every single time. I'm lost. I don't know how much faster I can paddle here ... heck, at least if I were actually paddling then I'd actually be exercising.
*please do not correct me .... I know diet is a four-letter word and I'm supposed to focus on "lifestyle changes"....