Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Worthy Worth

"Is it worth it?" Jessica asked, a week ago Sunday, at the end of a post on a writing group we both belong to. I'd been wondering that myself, struggling with the idea of what determined worth and career in the writing world. Attempting to decide if I should go back to college and pursue something real and solid. Allowing myself to sink into the not good enough territory.

I hadn't made any resolutions, I'd given up really, participating in my favorite activity, procrastination through web surfing.

"This is my year of hope and courage and forgiveness," fellow MNABC writer, Heather, proclaimed, complete with perfect quotes and inspiring prose.

"This is the year I'll be more of a loser than I already am," I thought to myself in reply, with not even a random inkling of a clue what I wanted to resolve for myself.

So I moved on to Madame Rubies blog. She has had a theme each year for almost as long as I have known her. She's had a year of freedom, a year of contentment, a year of purpose and vision and now she is going to have a year of laughter and possibilities. I just love the sound of that one.

I sank further down into frustration at my own lack of creativity and motivation, and wandered off to check emails, spotting Jessica's post. Jessica who is also a writing mama. Jessica who has two small children. Jessica who is in the wee hours of the night phase that is all one big, hazy blur to me. Jessica who managed to inspire and wake me up with her writing.

I felt what she was saying in the deepest parts of my bones. I connected with it and felt something shift in my brain. And it dawned on me, that I've passed this moment that she is in.

I should have known the day my youngest was talking with her brother, about something at school. She spoke in the most grownup of ways, about this life completely without me. But it took Jessica's moment, so completely raw and inside those long ago (for me) moments, to open my eyes.

To see how blessed I am that I can say to my wild four, "Please don't speak another word to me, for just 5 minutes, I"ll lose the shape of the story in my head." And have them set the timer and understand.

She made me see how lucky I am to be in that place where they are "old" enough, where they go to school and I have hours to DO (keyword here, must do, must do) what I love and have passion for.

She reminded me of the moments when my writing has inspired, moved, motivated or induced belly laughs from another person, by touching me so deeply with her own.

She compelled me to take on worth as my theme, my resolution if you will. Of finding it inside myself.

So, in answer to your question, Jessica, yes, I really do think it is...worth it.

In honor of my theme, I chopped off 14 inches of hair (outdated and out of control hair does not determine self worth). I have pictures and a Hairy Tale on my personal blog if you are inclined to see.


Madame Rubies said...

I made the blog. :)

The "doing" is the hardest part of any endeavor.

Pattie said...

I'll echo Heather...it's not the choosing of the theme, but the doing. I haven't found a theme, but a lot sure has happened in 2008 so far!

LOVE your hair story, by the way!!!

Have a super weekend!

Serenity Now! said...

I'm so sorry it took me so long to comment... but I love this post. I love being able to look at your life and be thankfully for exactly where you are.